Those Silly Love Songs

Ever felt like some love songs were specifically written for you, or about you? It's creepy. I feel like, how could Whitney or Madonna or Celine or whoever singer that sang it knew how I was feeling? I didn't tell them anything. But they took the words right out of my mouth, or the feelings from the very depths of my soul. I keep certain songs on my playlist now. I guess, sometimes, though it hurts to be reminded of some feelings, that it comforts me to know that this is the way of life. I am not alone in my fate. Others have experienced it before me, and have put it to song, comforting those who, like myself, are experiencing it at present, and sends a warning to those who will experienced it in the future. Those silly love songs, as I have liked to sing in my youth, without knowing and understanding their depths, have become a sort of anthem that accompany me in my misery.

Mission 1: ACCOMPLISHED!!!

Over a month has passed since we took the Physician Licensure Exams, and 3 weeks (Aug. 17, 2011, 5:55PM) since we got the news that indeed, we made it! And that 3 weeks hence, all euphoria had drained me of much energy, I quite feel lost and finding myself at life's crossroads once again. For the past weeks, I have been dragging myself to my alma mater, and letting my presence be known, to be congratulated repeatedly, and also attending thanksgiving parties left and right. All throughout this experience, I was also being a couch potato at home, and just enjoy doing nothing for the first time in many years of hard-core studying. I actually quite missed it. I'm still reading. I just finished rereading one of my favorite books, the inheritance series, and now just started a new series: a song of fire and ice. But then I look over to some of my thicker books, medical ones and feel an itch to study again. Maybe in time, I will again. But for now, I restrained myself. It's too soon, maybe next month or when I start working again. For now, I will let my soul breathe for just a few more days.

Mabuhay!

"Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika ay higit pa sa malansang isda". --Dr. Jose P. Rizal

Kayo ay nagbabasa sa aking kauna-unahang artikulo na hango lahat sa wikang Filipino, ang ating pambansang wika. Kulang isang buwan na nang kami ay nanirahan dito sa Maynila ngunit akalain mo, hindi pa rin umaasenso ang aming pananagalog. Paano nga nama't lagi pa rin kaming nagbibisaya kapag kami ay nagkakasama sa aming kinauukulan ngayon? Kami pa ring mga Bisaya ang palaging nagkakasama kaya't wala kaming pangangailangang magtagalog pwera na lang kung sasakay kami ng pampublikong transportasyon, o bibili sa mga tindahan. Minsan nga, lalo na c Ai, ay nalilimutang magtagalog kapag iba ang kausap niya. Buti na lang, karamihan sa mga nakakasalamuha namin ay bisaya rin kaya nagkakaintindihan pa rin. Hindi naman sa hindi ko mahal ang ating pambansang wika dahil hindi ako masyadong marunong magsalita nito. Pero bakit nga ba Tagalog ang ating naging pambansang wika kung mas malaking porsyento naman sa ating populasyon ang nagsasalita ng Bisaya? Sa totoo lang, sa Luzon lang ang karamihang nagtatagalog habang sa Visayas at Mindanao ay nagbibisaya. Nakakainis isipin na mababa ang tingin ng mga Tagalog sa mga Bisaya dahil matigas silang managalog, pero ang mga Tagalog ba marunong magbisaya? At kung magsasalita naman ng ingles, aba, mas magaling yata mag ingles ang mga Bisaya kaysa mga Tagalog. O sya, di na ako magrereklamo't nasa batas na na Tagalog ang pambansang wika at hindi Bisaya. Heto na lang ang isa sa mga bloopers namin sa pakikipagtalastasan sa wikang Filipino:

Ai: "Paulo, patikim ng iyong butika"

Pao: "You mean "bituka"?" (bumili kasi c Pao ng bituka, hindi po ng sarili niyang bituka ang ibig sabihin ni Ai)

Is this it?

I realized something's amiss when I can hardly look him in the eye without significant effort anymore. Or that there seems to be a thousand butterflies waking up and simultaneously fluttering their wings in the pit of my stomach every time I do so, much more so when we touch. I would have scoffed at this very description had I heard it a few months before. But the past few weeks had been a crazy roller coaster ride, one I did not intend to ride on, but definitely did not regret riding on to. I was confident enough that I had put my straps well, for I didn't expect to fall. But now, I'm irrevocably falling... if I hadn't fall already. I know how cliche it sounds, but it's really true for me what they say that the one you'll love will always be the exception. Not that I agree. Why can't it be the perfect guy I've been crushing on for the past few years? But no, it has to be that guy, who friends will have mixed feelings whether he's good for you or not. If truth be told, I think that deep down, they question the choice of person...in other words--plain and simple words, he's not right for me. I'm actually aware of it and in my mind, I know it to be true. However, it seems that my heart has betrayed my mind, and my traitorous body has become mindless in following my heart, reacting in ways before even my mind can comprehend as though a reflex.

Before I go schizo and start debating with myself, I'd rather not try to justify my actions, or my thoughts, and just accept that things happen for a reason, and that I really feel the way that I do. I don't know what the future brings, and being the forever optimist that I am, I hope that things turn out well. Whether I'm heading for a disaster, or a happily-ever-after, only God knows. I will try to be ready.

Good times!

Ten years and counting....;)

High School Life

I've just attended our high school batch reunion (9th year) and realized, not much has changed for me since then, except for the title before my name. It was not well attended, just around 40 persons (not even 1 section) and I blame this on the weather. Some who promised to come did not make it owing to the heavy downpour just a few minutes before showtime. But still, I had such a blast, I feel so blest to have such classmates, to have found enduring friendships among a variety of personalities.

I know I have been missing on a lot of things, but this is not to say I did not enjoy the kind of life that I have chosen. With the 10-year reunion fast approaching, already in January, realizations began hitting me left, right and center. I've only begun my career (not even, since I have yet to pass the boards in August), while others have already established theirs; I haven't even had a serious relationship up to now, though my current status deserves a Facebook's "it's complicated" status, the most that I have other than "single", while others already have children (yes, more than 1); others have long flown away from their nests and lived independently, while I'm still dependent on my parents' allowance.

I don't mean to compare, or even compete, for I know there are also others way behind me. But still, time is running out. They say it's not the years in your life, but the life in your years. I've always thought that despite not yet achieving those aforementioned things, I've lived enough life in my years. But with recent events, I realized, it wasn't nearly as lively as I originally thought. Now, I thank God I did the things that I did. I have no regrets, though things may seem so messed up. I always believe everything happens for a reason. And behind the darkest cloud is a silver lining...or something like that..haha!

Time Flies

And I thought the last time I blogged was just a few months ago...well, that few months is actually almost a year now. Times have been busy...but in between, there was actually some space, though not much to talk about. And when there was so much to talk about, the time to blog seems elusive, and only goes as far as the time I drive from the hospital to the house, after which I would then forget, that I was actually planning to blog it.

Anyhow, as 2 more days remain before we cross over to another year, I hope to recount the many things, many "firsts", that has come my way since I last blogged. I would have liked to share those that happened in the first to third quarters of this year but the story already seems stale, and the minute details have since escaped my memory. But then again, the last quarter, in fact, the last month, have been filled with some of the most memorable experiences I had, it feels like I've only begun living my life.

AnecDocs

During one of our rotations in the psychiatric ward, my classmate asked one patient why he was admitted. But he just sang. It would have appeared that he deliberately ignored her...it's just that the lyrics go "...coz I'm half crazy..." Well, i couldn't have said it better myself!

E.R.

The 9th is slowly moving into the 10th, ticking away by the seconds. This room could not have been any more peaceful or empty, giving me no excuse to read this book in front of me.

Yet my mind wanders to a place I've never been, making conversations with someone I wish I was with, basking in the glorious feelings I'm supposed to be feeling. . .

But alas, I spoke to soon. Here comes trudging along the ramp, a couple with with a little boy in their arms. And just as they laid the little boy in the first bed, another group arrived, a father carrying his young son having breathing difficulty.

This room, that had been so empty a few moments ago, is quickly becoming crowded once more.

POP!

There goes my happy moment.

And there goes the peace and quiet in the ER.

<<January 9, 2010--10:00pm--NOPH-ER>>

"Happy" New Year

"A new year brings forth new opportunities...new hope."

So, 2010 did not start well for me. maybe I was just tired because I was on duty on new year's eve, and had 2 GSW cases in the first few hours of the year, with 1 DOA. Guess I could say I started the new year with a bang! Literally. And on new year's day when we supposedly had a family gathering, or reunion of sorts, I slept through the whole thing. And 2 days into the new year, i don't feel any ounce of excitement, and even missed 4 hours of duty because I wasn't feeling up to it. Excuses, excuses.

I met up with my friends and watched 2 movies, and talked forever, until we had to go home because some of us are on 24H duty the next day. I always had lots of fun with my girlfriends, even with a simple get-together and talking over food.

And that's when it hit me, how I truly feel about the new year. One of my friends was particularly optimistic about the whole new-year-new-opportunities thing. But I didn't really caught up with her optimism. It's like the events that happened to me as the clock struck 12, and on the subsequent 24 hours that followed affected my whole outlook for the coming 364 days.

Being a relatively cheerful and optimistic person, this isn't how I usually greet the new year. And it bummed me to feel this way. I want to be excited and optimistic about the new year too. I'll be graduating, then start my PGI year. But try as I may, I don't really feel like it. It's like there's a hole inside my chest--a void (ok, this is getting a bit melodramatic, but I would like to emphasize that I'm not in a "new-moon-Bella" state whatsoever).

I don't know, maybe I just feel tired and longing for vacation to come where I can soak in the sun and sand all day. That would be 3 months from now. (counting...)

<>

High School never ends...?

As I was driving home from school, a song "high school never ends" was blasting through the radio. This made me reminisce through the whole 15-minute drive home. The fact is, I really enjoyed my high school life. I still maintain regular contact with my high school bestfriends, occasionally meet during our free time, and even plan for future travels. On special occasions, and on holidays, we have an outing, reminiscent of high school outings--with the same faces. Some classmates, no matter the constant invite, never really show up, some show up once in a while, and some, like me, is always present on the occasion (LOL!). Make that few. I think I can only count about 5 of us who are always present. Well, we used to be the organizers years back. I guess that's our primary role. I keep thinking maybe I should be absent sometimes because come our grand reunion, I wouldn't really be amazed at the 10-year evolution of our classmates because I'm relatively updated annually. But then, I really enjoyed the company of these people that I really like going to these gatherings. In fact, I'm so looking forward to our 10-year reunion. That would be in 2011. My only concern is, I would be a PGI at that time, and I'm fervently praying that the officers won't schedule the reunion during my duty.

Bring it on!

If I maybe complaining about being the jinxed last post, well, notice the lag in the date. True enough, I was so busy I hadn't had time to blog. I don't care about compatibilities in the chakras anymore. Truth is, busy-hon na jud ko! Eversince surgery, OB, pedia, and presently in OB-NOPH...I think I'm the busiest in our group, if not in our whole class, rivaled only by my own duty-mates...haha! In other words, our duty group has been the busiest among the class, setting record-high admissions whichever department we're in. I was thinking, maybe we're only busy if we're apart, because for some reason, when the three of us are together, we're relatively not busy--whatever.

The only thing I can say for now is, I'm really enjoying my rotation in OB-NOPH (I do want to be an OBGYN). And yes, I also hold the record of highest admissions in our group, and in our class so far (Group C has not rotated yet). But I'm glad because this meant more cases, and more experiences. The one I particularly enjoyed was delivering my 3rd set of twins, because this was done vaginally, and I was the one who really delivered them (and not just as first-assist, as in cesarean sections). Since the second twin was breech in presentation, I was also able to do the Mauricio maneuver (I'm only the second in our class to do so, but I think I would get more credit since I delivered a live baby, unlike my classmate who did it on a case of fetal demise).

This being said, I'm really going to miss this present rotation. Tomorrow would be my last duty and I'm expecting a full 24-hours duty again (not a wink of sleep). But I say, bring it on!

Jinxed?

For the past 2 duties that I've had, I've been busy. More busy than usual. One duty-mate had recently just transferred to the other hospital. He had always been saying that we are his "lucky charms" because in our past duties, we are relatively hayahay... but then since he transferred, so has our luck changed. We are actually more busy now than the other 2 teams, a first since we started this clerkship in medicine. My other duty-mate kept on blaming me that I'm the busy one. So does that mean I'm jinxed? I have no other one to blame this to. Maybe because duty-mate one kept on barking about it. (woof, woof, woof). But I kept on thinking of other reasons like maybe the change of residents, the rescheduling of PGI duty to another schedule. Whatever, something's not right. I kept on thinking this goes way beyond the paranormal (?) and may involve the mixture or compatibility of our chakras that may be favorable or not to our present working environment, hence this results in patients gravitating towards the hospital in our duty days. (Ok, I admit I'm watching too much anime shows). But I'm almost backlogging on my responsibilities, I maybe becoming a resident JI in the Surgery Department (Darian was the resident JI in Medicine Department). However, on a positive note, this could probably mean I'm meant to be a surgeon in the future. :)

Clerkship

They didn't call the 4th year of medical school clerkship for nothing. As should be expected, a lot of writing takes place, hence called clerks. Since starting my clerkship (2 months PTE), I have already consumed almost 2 rims of bond paper, and countless ballpens.

But I'm not going to elaborate now about the differences between regular clerks and medical clerks. However, there are worthy things of note that each of us junior interns should basically know, and should master-- English grammar, and more importantly, SPELLING. This is the part whom most take for granted. Speaking is easy because even if the grammar is wrong, one is still able to pass the message across--and one doesn't have to worry about how words are spelled.

But the written documents, our histories and PE's, should be properly spelled, else, they would mean something else. The funny thing with this batch is that those words that tend to be misspelled are actually simple words encountered everyday. I have taken note of a few to remind myself not to be a victim of "spelling boos"...lol
auto sat
soar throat
bannana
pail nailbeds

Peace time

As I always say, I'm a peaceful person, because everytime I'm on duty, it is relatively 'peace time'. In fact, to prove yet this 'charm', I have composed these two entries while in the ER. Amazing right? And thank God for that!

Although, I would say right now that the reason nobody's going to the hospital is that they are at the park to watch the Kabulakan Festival of Dumaguete. :P

Preggy tales

In my previous duty at the ER,I didn't realize immediately that I was surrounded by moms and moms-to-be. Afterall, there were only about a couple of middle age women there. The others, I speculated to be around my age range, or at least, still in there 20's. 

It started when N1, who's actually tying the knot in less than 2 weeks, went for a pregnancy test. She was probably excited to start her family and the others became excited also on how it would turn out, even guessing by themselves the outcome based on N1's symptoms. 

There weren't a lot of patients that day and I was supposedly using my time to study but I couldn't help overhearing their tales on the road to motherhood.

There was N2, who was actually 4 months on the way. She was a smaller woman than me and about my age too. I didn't notice until they mentioned it. (Shocked! But I kept it to myself)

N3, who I remembered was actually a batchmate in college, already had a 2-year old child. (Ooohh...)

Then there was A1, who's already on her 40's, relating how she became a mother just a couple or so years ago.

I was probably the only 'single lady' in that room, and most definitely the least experienced when it comes to that thing. Good thing too they didn't start on bedroom tales and I might have to leave the room. (Heck, I haven't got any experience at all.) As it turned out, N1's result was negative. Aw. Maybe it was too soon.

Happy Puppets

There's a reason we call ourselves the Happy Puppets. I don't exactly remember how it came to be that we call ourselves that. All I do remember is that we encountered this term in Patho class, describing a group of individuals exhibiting a gene abnormality that makes the bearer look like the characteristic puppet.

For some bizarre reason, it stuck in our minds, and got to associating the term to our own group. With good reason. First of all, there have always been an air of cheery aura in our class. We almost always never get too depressed, because we know how to best manage it: go to our favorite videoke place!
Or pig out! Nothing better than food trip!
Or just stay in the car and ride around the city the whole night! O.B.T.! O.B.T.!

Eversince we started this scholastic journey, we have been infinitely compared to the previous batch. And more so since we are distinctly different. Maybe because the pressure is high on them, being the pioneering batch, while we can always find ways to get away with things, being less pressured as the second batch.

Someone recently commented "Lahi ra jud mo'g aura". She's referring to our attitudes during our clerkship. The first batch were full of complaints, tattletales and feelings bordering on giving up during the first few weeks of clerkship. We did hear about how they would cry due to stress, fatigue, humiliation, and all those "di ko na kaya" tagline.

Us? We laugh our way through. We seem to be always smiling, so they say. It's as if we have no worries at all. That's the Happy Puppets for you!

As for my part, I'm not dwelling on the negative stuff, but on the positive. In fact, I'm actually enjoying what I do. I got to appreciate more the cases that we have only been studying theoretically from the past 2 years of med school. Although, there were actually times that I even felt bored (?), even with all the work I have to do. Hmmm. Say what?

I belong

Eversince starting medical school, this is the first time that I truly feel one with the field. I really am enjoying what I do. It may be stressful at times, but maybe because more often than not, I am not a toxic person so I am able to truly enjoy what I do.

When we were still starting in med school, there were hard times (extra hard examinations where we all failed), and some of my classmates were keen on continuing despite that because this is "their calling". I haven't really felt that. It was more of a job that needs to be done, something that I had started and now oblige to finish, but never because I really wanted it. I did like it of course (problem: one of the many likes), not just with the same fervor as them, and it kind of bother me at times. At the back of my mind, I still really want to do something else. I take this as part of my journey in discovering my true calling, and I always see myself in the future doing something else. I was already counting the years, of when I can be done with this and start doing another stuff. As most of our professors would tell us, this is a lifelong profession. Now, how would I ever get out?

But just recently, I was doing what I was supposed to do for a Junior Intern, and not being toxicated by stress and overflowing histories and progress notes, I was truly able to appreciate what we are doing, and I felt that I am one with this place. I enjoyed the time that I am spending in the hospital, with my friends and even with the patients at times. I enjoy the fact that I am getting better with what I'm doing, learning lots of new stuff, and learning new techniques.

I always try to justify my feelings. So I said to myself, the main reason I'm already enjoying this internship is because I'm already getting the hang of things. I don't know with my other classmates, but now, I'm not so lost as I was a month ago. And like I said, I'm not a toxic person so I'm able to get into my own pace and be my own person. However, tomorrow we'll be starting another rotation, and only three of us will be left in the ward. Meaning, the bulk of the stress, divided into six, will now be divided to three only. But I'm still positive that I can do this, having this new enlightened heart. I only have my faith in God that He will deliver me from any of my difficulties.

Sleepy heads

Just some candid shots (more like stolen :P) from our first few days of junior internship.






Who got caught? the camera's still rolling...^ ^

Hungry Young Poet

Every time I feel inspired over an XY chromosome-related stuff, I feel the urge to write. My hopeless romantic side would kick in and I find myself stringing poetic (kuno) verses into paper. And it's not only the inspiration phase but everytime I feel a strong emotion towards the object of my affection. It could be the heartbreaking part that's intense enough to make me get a pen and paper and write.

I was recently inspired by XY, something I haven't really been in a long time. Something clicked in the corner of my mind and I suddenly recalled having a blank book where I write all those poems I had written since high school. It had been a long time indeed, for last I wrote was January 2005. Wow. Too long it has been. Just so in case my memory fails me, I always wrote in the back of the page who I'm referring to.

Having been reunited with this book, I reread some, trying to connect the feelings embodied in the poems to who I am right now. Well, this put things into perspective about time making me grow in numbers. ( I hope too, that my maturation level has grown as well)

A particular song immediately came to mind. "I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore". LOL. I might remember the feeling, as expressed by my writings, but I feel so detached from them that I could only laugh from my own foolishness. But is it really foolish? At one point in time, I truly did feel those emotions. I might have exaggerated a bit to express my poetic freedom though.

So where was I in the last 4 years? Only two things:

First, I haven't found an inspiration in that time period.

Second, I had completely forgotten that I own this particular book.

It's more likely the first since if I had been inspired enough to write, then I would know where to write it. Like what happened now.

What's amazing was, the person I'm referring to in probably the last three entries I had 4 years ago, is the same person I'm referring to now.

Hmm. logically, it follows that throughout those years of searching, I still harbor affection for this person. Of course, I know I do. I should know right? I'm just not sure about the intensity of it, whether time had made it wax or wane.

It remains to be seen. Anything goes. But I got myself hoping again. Am I ready? I feel that I am.


**so? I am hungry. And of course still young! LOL**